I look forward to the day that I have climbed right out of this pit of poverty that I fell into by virtue of my ignorance, when I went bankrupt. I did not know I was important, or that I deserved to be loved and respected. I let people walk all over me. The mistakes were not mine alone, but I took the fall. Others who participated dusted their hands off and walked away. On the surface they were the lucky ones, but in truth? I think I probably have come out on top after all.This pit has seemed like a money pit sometimes but at others I have known money is just the symptom of a crisis provoked by a belief of being worthless, and a terror of being abandoned that has been alive within me all my life. Beyond that it was about fear of becoming vulnerable and having to ask for help – which was about fear of being punished beyond an endurable threshold of emotional pain, and re-experiencing the emotional punishment I was subjected to as a child.
So that is what it has all really been about: learning to believe in myself, creating a self esteem based on a Personal Constitution, a Personal Bill of Rights. Freedom from persecution and abuse. Freedom of speech, freedom to have a home, warm clothes, nourishing food, education and decent-paying, meaningful work, back-up and support. Freedom to have a meaningful life, career, relationships. Freedom to belong. So if my financial crisis got me to look at all that and fix what needed to be fixed, then of course it was the biggest opportunity of my life. I have no doubt that in my case money scarcity has been a symptom, not the actual problem. Being Loved Is Blog
Now I am at a different place. I have a foundation of better self-esteem and emotional fluency. And I have created a plan; I know where I am going. Now I need to build, and I have become aware that I need resources, including money. It costs to print out a film script, to send it to producers. It costs to take singing lessons, to make demo tapes and backing tracks so I can get work; to buy a microphone and recording equipment so I can load my singing onto my blog. And so on.